It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
They took my balls.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
