i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
