I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
