I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
