I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Last time i carry you out of a forest
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
