I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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