I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
