I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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