you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
