you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
