I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
