can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
