Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Randomize
