I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
