We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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