I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
