I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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