I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize