I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
