The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
