Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
