It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
