she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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