happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Randomize
