Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
