dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize