I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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