I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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