Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
there is glitter all over my balls
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
