I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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