boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
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