I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
then he tried to convert me to islam
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
