my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
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