a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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