I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
