The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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