I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
