the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
