Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Randomize
