he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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