also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
