i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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