I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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