from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
