i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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