Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
