just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
