Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
