I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
