he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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