he wants to bone in the snuggie
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
