paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Randomize
