Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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