im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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