There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
