I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
