Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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