My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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